Friday, August 1, 2008

What Is Your Dream? What Would You REALLY Like to Be Doing?

I tell myself a lot, “Everything changes all the time.” I’ve been through a lot of change recently, and it’s felt hard. I don’t WANT this change, I say. But everything changes all the time, whether I want it or not, and whether I try to ignore it or not. I’m not built to ignore it forever; I have to do something else.

There’s been a lot of change. Where I’m living isn’t home. My income’s insufficient for my needs, not for my wants, my needs. What I’ve been doing for a living for 15 years isn’t working for me any more. I’m so aware of how much it’s about serving an institution and not people. The Div College and ordination track I was on – well, I changed, is the truth, and God has different plans for me. My relatives – I’ve lost most of my relatives in the last two years. I have family, that’s a different thing, and it’s pretty portable. Very few of them are right here anyway.

And you know what? I’d love to have my mother and my aunt back. But being and being here while they were sick and dying changed me, and I don’t want to go back to what I was. This is better.

Do you remember at the end of The Wizard of Oz, when they’re getting ready to fly back to Kansas in a balloon? They slip all the guy ropes for the basket off their pegs, and the thing just lifts off. “Losing” the job, the relatives, the sense of call to ordination, the home … My guy ropes are being slipped off their pegs. There’s nothing to hold me where I am, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Freedom. I also feel it as a vacuum sometimes. But nature won’t support a vacuum. I FEEL it that way, but the vacuum doesn’t exist. There is something else that exists, waiting for me to start doing it. I just don’t know what or where it is yet.

Sometimes that’s discouraging. This little statement from Wayne Dyer helps.


Kate Morningstar said...

Hot Damn! I wanted to write a post saying this is my one-hundredth post, but if I did, it wouldn't be.

So I'm saying it here.

susan s. said...

Congratulations on your 100th post! I am such a coward that I don't dare post for fear that I might make a fool of myself. Yes, I know that's a shitty reason. Maybe it's just because I am too lazy, eh? I love it when someone appreciates my 'wit', as rarely happens at MadPriest's place or anywhere else for that matter! And we've sort of been in the same place twice today!

I was reading about your mother's death here and think I feel the same way about the fact that I miss her, but wouldn't want to go back there. I didn't go home to see her but once a year. It was not a good place for me to be, and I was selfish about putting myself through it. She died almost 2 years ago and I haven't been 'home' since.

You will find it, that thing waiting for you.

Kate Morningstar said...

Thank you, Susan! Yes, we've been hanging around the same neighbourhoods. You were at TheMe's before me today.

I have always lived right where I do now -- in a 15-mile radius of the hospital where I was born. I'm hoping to go away for the sake of finding out I can. It's all an adventure, wherever we are.

I was afraid of making a fool of myself, and who'd want to read what I wrote, and maybe I was just being self-centred ... MadPriest asked if I blogged, and I told him all that. And shortly thereafter, I started. It's not like I haven't made a fool of myself before. What I have made, doing this, is new friends.