Saturday, March 29, 2008

A Thank You for Mimi

I had been thinking a lot about writing, writing anything, this winter. Wondering about blogging. When I was in school, our diaries had little hasps and padlocks on, with tiny keys we’d wear on chains around our necks, so no-one would read them. Now we blog. Life’s progress is mysterious. Then there were the huge questions: What would I write? Who’d care? Would anyone read it? I had a question about a blog that vanished (and it had really GOOD stuff on it too) – I didn’t know how one made a blog vanish completely. So I asked the Mad Priest (MP – that means I think you know lots), who asked if I had a blog. No, I didn’t. A week or so later, though, we all got snowed in again – and I just went ahead and started the Morningstar Chronicles.

I’d lived too much of my life waiting for other people or events to make my decisions, and letting them. Being afraid. I’ve prayed a lot for God to remove my fear, because it gets in the way of God and Life. Starting to do this was a way to act deliberately out of faith instead, a commitment to writing, and a deepening of the relationships I’d started to develop with some of you. Thank you, Jonathan, for helping me move forward.

Yesterday, I wrote to Grandmère Mimi, about her new photo. She said she was tired of Jane Austen, and getting used to having her picture on the internet. I said, I’d be shy about having mine up.

Well, shyness is fear. My Dad’s very ill, terminally ill. There’s been a lot of family loss in the last 16 months or so – I’m not afraid about Dad, but I’m tired, sad and lonely. One of the things that frightens me is that I’ll go back to a way of living that was killing me. I can’t do anything for Dad except pray, show up, and love him. I CAN take some action to ward off fear. This is it.

I’m vain enough to post my best picture, for my first picture. I had gone to a concert with David P. (we’ve been friends since we were 11 years old) and his mother. One day I’ll say something about that “newly thin” thing in my profile, but not tonight. I took a rare opportunity to dress up. It was very cold, and when we got indoors and I took my coat off, David said, “Do I have to have you home before midnight? Because you look like Cinderella.” This is my Cinderella picture. Thank you, Mimi, for prayers, friendship, and helping me move forward.


Erika Baker said...

totally wonderful to "meet" you like this. Cinderella indeed!

I agree that letting go of fear is the hardest thing about our life journey towards Love. Sadly, it also seems to be the only way to grow and become free; there don't appear to be any shortcuts. And each step is just about the most terrifying thing in the world.
If you think about it, it's no wonder so few people ever truly attempt it. Although the result is truly worth every bit of pain.

Lots of prayers for you and your father. And thanks for posting that truly beautiful photo.

Jan said...

Kate, it is so good to see you! I'm not that brave, except for a picture of me as a child at the bottom of my blog. You look beautiful!

Prayers continuing.

Crimson Rambler said...

Kate -- thank you for this and for your kind words on my blog. Keeping you and your family in my prayers also. Including the tensions; oh yes!

FranIAm said...

Kate- I have been away for the weekend but have kept you and your dad in my prayers.

And while I am tired and can't write too much, I must say I love the way your soul and your light shine through you; at least that is what I see in the gorgeous photo.

Kate Morningstar said...

Erika, it is hard. I've been working with someone for a couple of years now, who reminds me that I'm to ask God to show me how to take care of his business here, and ask him to take care of mine. And that sometimes, I'll get to the edge of a cliff, and just have to step off and have faith ... The first time I heard that, I said, "But it takes me five minutes to step off sidewalks!"

Thank you, Jan -- I'm going to post a picture of Dad, me and my sister on Monday -- taken in about 1960.

CR -- you and your family are in my prayers too. I keep checking your blog to see how you're doing.

And Fran -- I have your SATAN post open in another tab right now -- but I think it will wait til Monday for me to read it. I want to read the never-ending comments from the previous post first. Thank you so much. I'm enjoying your church's site too.

Ergh -- it's past my bedtime. Thank you all for visiting!!!

FranIAm said...

Just came by to say hi and leave you some love.


Oh that crazy post and the thread and then the other crazy post and the thread.

And I was anxious about talking about faith on my blog!!!

Anyway, that all aside, it will all wait, just thinking of you with great love and many prayers.