Friday, May 23, 2008

Those Dark Nights of the Soul

Last night was one of mine. I got home late and cold, after a too-long day, even though it had really good stuff in it. I hadn’t had supper yet, so I was hungry. I struggle with there not being anybody THERE sometimes – I pray, and there are people I talk to, on the phone or by e-mail – but someone THERE, physically present … I’m still not over living with my son and my niece, and all their friends around all the time. And my present circumstances mean, I don’t have any pets. Something’s gotta change here, and I’ve started shifting something to make the change happen.

I did some of the right things – ate. E-mailed someone else who absolutely loves me, and told how I was feeling. Started looking a little outward at something someone else was struggling with. And – this is hard to admit. Knowing that what I need was time with God and not being willing to take it. Because, I knew if I let go and told God everything I’d cry again, and I just didn’t want to. I was feeling defiant, is maybe the right word. Crying is getting old.

But I did go looking for God. And I found what I needed – funny how that happens, isn’t it? It was the picture that hooked me first. I only skimmed the story a little, intent on going back to the picture. Something about the first paragraph caught me, and I read it carefully, and the whole rest of the article. Then I read it all several times, and rested in the certain knowledge that, no matter how awful and alone I may feel, it is not possible to be in a place or time where God is not.

After that I wrote and thanked the person who pointed me in the direction of this. (I’m keeping her anonymous here, but some of you may recognize the editor of this blog.) Saying thank you is very important – the most important thing we can do. And I e-mailed some more with the person I’d told on myself, got to the point where it was fun, and I felt warm, sweet and happy by the time I fell into bed. God IS good, and always there, and sometimes I’m even willing to find that out.


Doorman-Priest said...

I recognised the editor of the blog and I also thought it was excellent. Thanks for linking it.

Kate Morningstar said...

I've shared it with several people -- and like I said, just looking at that picture's enough to make me remember whose I am.

Pagan Sphinx said...

That's so lovely, Kate. I'm not always sure about God in the way that I think you're sure but I think I view things from very much the same lens as you; just from the few posts I've read here; which have really touched me.

Besides, I have a special fondness for Canadians. ;-)

Kate Morningstar said...

Sphinx, I have a very strong belief that God IS. But what God is ... The more I read and talk to people about God, and pray and meditate and try to rely on God ... the bigger God keeps getting, and the less I'm able to define. When I pray, I pray TO "Beloved", and when I'm thinking ABOUT God, more and more I think, "The Singleness". And "The Beloved".